Have you heard? We moved! Follow me over to the new and improved
www.werewolfjesus.com
As Far As it Depends on You
2 years ago
Some of the downfalls of being married to an Art Director are that he works long hours and forgets to eat and needs a new glasses prescription every 5 months. But one of the many perks is that sometimes he gets a lull between jobs and offers to build you a shiny new website!
Back to the downsides: he is a design snob and tells you that Blogger is for children and that Wordpress is where all the stylish kids hang out. And oh, haven't you always longed to be one of the stylish kids?
So, you take him at his side-parting, argyle sock-wearing, moleskine-scribbling word and announce that you are pleased to introduce...
WWW.WEREWOLFJESUS.COM
Say goodbye to the long and tedious current url!
Adios, accidentally-forgetting-to-include-the-'book'-part-of-this-url-and-ending-up-on-a-creepy-site-containing-what-appears-to-be-gay-porn. (Sorry about that, everyone. Wish I could block it somehow...)
Toodles, self-taught HTML hacks learned simply to have a decent layout.
and hellllooo, Gorgeous.
Of course, things are still under construction and I will continue to post in both locations to ease the transition for you all.
Of course, I am hopeful that you, like little ducklings, will follow me over to the new site and continue to read.
Of course, I'd love for you to use the much-easier-to-use "subscribe" tool there (on the top rght hand side of the page) to receive simple email alerts when I update.
Of course, I'd love for you to use the new Facebook enabling to "like" posts that tickle your fancy.
and OF COURSE I'm grateful for everyone who reads and follows and comments and makes it worthwhile to upgrade to a newer, easier and overall just prettier site.
Love to love ya.
Back to the downsides: he is a design snob and tells you that Blogger is for children and that Wordpress is where all the stylish kids hang out. And oh, haven't you always longed to be one of the stylish kids?
So, you take him at his side-parting, argyle sock-wearing, moleskine-scribbling word and announce that you are pleased to introduce...
WWW.WEREWOLFJESUS.COM
Say goodbye to the long and tedious current url!
Adios, accidentally-forgetting-to-include-the-'book'-part-of-this-url-and-ending-up-on-a-creepy-site-containing-what-appears-to-be-gay-porn. (Sorry about that, everyone. Wish I could block it somehow...)
Toodles, self-taught HTML hacks learned simply to have a decent layout.
and hellllooo, Gorgeous.
Of course, things are still under construction and I will continue to post in both locations to ease the transition for you all.
Of course, I am hopeful that you, like little ducklings, will follow me over to the new site and continue to read.
Of course, I'd love for you to use the much-easier-to-use "subscribe" tool there (on the top rght hand side of the page) to receive simple email alerts when I update.
Of course, I'd love for you to use the new Facebook enabling to "like" posts that tickle your fancy.
and OF COURSE I'm grateful for everyone who reads and follows and comments and makes it worthwhile to upgrade to a newer, easier and overall just prettier site.
Love to love ya.
Aloha from Hawaii, readers! As I have been sunning myself, learning Pidgin and generally doing my best to be mistaken for a local, my friend Heather has been working hard on this blog post. So far, the locals are calling me 'hapa', which means half. So, as I continue to pursue my vacation goal, I leave you in the hands of sweet Heather.
I asked Heather to guest post because I thought this blog could use a punch of honesty. I try hard to make you laugh and make you think and sometimes I wonder if I am taking too many creative liberties and scraping off bits of truth in the process. It's hard to put yourself out there, naked and vulnerable in the blogosphere, without coming across as whiny or pleading. Heather manages to do so with such grace and positivity that I am left humbled and inspired. Her lovely writing style and open heart make her blog, My Little Bird, such a joy to read.
Heather and I are the same age and yet she seems to have journeyed so much further, tackling motherhood and all of its challenges over at http://lettingyoufly.blogspot.com/ . Make sure to follow her and leave comments here if you like what you see. Take it away, Mama Bird :)
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I love how there are some pieces of literature or artwork that resonate with us differently at different times in our lives-- we may read a book three times and relate to a different character each time we take a pass through the pages. Or you might listen to a song a hundred times, and on that hundred and first time you hear a chord or a lyric that strikes something deep within you that you hadn’t felt the other times you listened. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been drawn to Psalm 139 as my ‘favorite psalm.’ And at different seasons in my life, God has highlighted certain verses for me that all of a sudden mean something new or challenge me in new ways.
I asked Heather to guest post because I thought this blog could use a punch of honesty. I try hard to make you laugh and make you think and sometimes I wonder if I am taking too many creative liberties and scraping off bits of truth in the process. It's hard to put yourself out there, naked and vulnerable in the blogosphere, without coming across as whiny or pleading. Heather manages to do so with such grace and positivity that I am left humbled and inspired. Her lovely writing style and open heart make her blog, My Little Bird, such a joy to read.
Heather and I are the same age and yet she seems to have journeyed so much further, tackling motherhood and all of its challenges over at http://lettingyoufly.blogspot.com/ . Make sure to follow her and leave comments here if you like what you see. Take it away, Mama Bird :)
I love how there are some pieces of literature or artwork that resonate with us differently at different times in our lives-- we may read a book three times and relate to a different character each time we take a pass through the pages. Or you might listen to a song a hundred times, and on that hundred and first time you hear a chord or a lyric that strikes something deep within you that you hadn’t felt the other times you listened. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been drawn to Psalm 139 as my ‘favorite psalm.’ And at different seasons in my life, God has highlighted certain verses for me that all of a sudden mean something new or challenge me in new ways.
Right now, I’m thinking a lot about verses 13-17:
I don’t think God minds this desire of mine to know what my day will look like or to have big dreams—in fact I fully believe it was part of my inmost being that He knit together, and He delights in the work He created in me.
However, I know He also is not pleased when my desire to have a clear, detailed plan becomes a clinging to clarity and control—it shows that I lack trust in Him and the plans He has for me.
My plans for my life started to go off track for the first time when I moved to New York City after college to pursue a career in professional theatre. I didn’t last there four whole months. The city made me claustrophobic, I lacked community and felt incredibly alone, and I lost confidence in myself as an artist. Almost more than the disappointment I thought others would see and the failure I innately felt in myself, the most overwhelming feeling for me was my fear in a lack of certainty/control/a plan for my future (since this was in fact my plan since I was about 12 years old). I was broke (financially, and my spirit was crushed), so I decided to move home for a few months to get back on my feet without any sense of a plan.
In that season of non-planning, God started re-directing my life. I got to work as a theatre teacher for a local community arts organization. I found an incredible job in higher education and moved in with my best friend Sarah in Boston. I had the opportunity to act in an original musical that ended up winning several Boston-area awards. And perhaps most beautifully, I was reconnected with and fell in love with the man I believe God made for me all along. It took MY plan getting a little bit shattered for me to look to the Lord for where to go next.
The place He’s ultimately led me (and my husband) for right now is living on a farm in Virginia with our sweet little boy, Emmett (who is almost 8 months old!). Becoming a mama has perhaps been the most challenging in my journey towards trust and giving up control thus far. It’s been so good for me to let go and stop obsessing over knowing what tomorrow holds, because living my life according to the needs of a child forces me to give up my plans and schedule and CONTROL on a daily, even hourly basis.
For you formed my inward parts;I was born with the strong desire to have a plan. I’m not exactly talking about a nebulous idea of where I’m heading; I mean a clear, distinct path towards the future and the direction I’d like to head. I take great pride in the fact that if I work really hard at A, B, and C, one day I will most likely arrive at my destination of Z. I’ve always been like this—it is ingrained deeply in the fibers of my being. I make to-do lists for my to-do lists and thrive with schedules and dreams to work towards. As much as I wish I could live freely and spontaneously, I am uncomfortable when things go awry and immediately come up with a new plan to get back on track.
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
I don’t think God minds this desire of mine to know what my day will look like or to have big dreams—in fact I fully believe it was part of my inmost being that He knit together, and He delights in the work He created in me.
However, I know He also is not pleased when my desire to have a clear, detailed plan becomes a clinging to clarity and control—it shows that I lack trust in Him and the plans He has for me.
My plans for my life started to go off track for the first time when I moved to New York City after college to pursue a career in professional theatre. I didn’t last there four whole months. The city made me claustrophobic, I lacked community and felt incredibly alone, and I lost confidence in myself as an artist. Almost more than the disappointment I thought others would see and the failure I innately felt in myself, the most overwhelming feeling for me was my fear in a lack of certainty/control/a plan for my future (since this was in fact my plan since I was about 12 years old). I was broke (financially, and my spirit was crushed), so I decided to move home for a few months to get back on my feet without any sense of a plan.
In that season of non-planning, God started re-directing my life. I got to work as a theatre teacher for a local community arts organization. I found an incredible job in higher education and moved in with my best friend Sarah in Boston. I had the opportunity to act in an original musical that ended up winning several Boston-area awards. And perhaps most beautifully, I was reconnected with and fell in love with the man I believe God made for me all along. It took MY plan getting a little bit shattered for me to look to the Lord for where to go next.
The place He’s ultimately led me (and my husband) for right now is living on a farm in Virginia with our sweet little boy, Emmett (who is almost 8 months old!). Becoming a mama has perhaps been the most challenging in my journey towards trust and giving up control thus far. It’s been so good for me to let go and stop obsessing over knowing what tomorrow holds, because living my life according to the needs of a child forces me to give up my plans and schedule and CONTROL on a daily, even hourly basis.
By not being focused on my own grand life plans, I’m learning to be more present in the day-to-day (something I’ve never been good at). I’m enjoying those simple and small joys like taking time to prepare meals (not just eating on the run), and actually tasting the goodness of the food in front of me. Small joys like cups of hot coffee in the morning for my weary mama soul while Emmett plays and I get to watch the sun rise out the window. Little things like phone calls with loved ones, dates with my husband, walking through the galleries at the art museum where my husband works and showing my little one the shapes and colors in my favorite pieces. Instead of wishing Emmett was more mobile/talking/in school and thinking about where we’re headed next, I’m trying to soak in our cuddles, his delight in discovering small things, his hard laughter when my husband tickles him, our beautiful long walks on the farm in the afternoon light, and watching the people around me melt and find joy in him too. I’m keeping track of these joys in notes around the house, journals and on my blog—but it’s in these little things that I’m seeing God’s goodness right now in ways I may never have noticed if I’d been so focused on my own grand schemes and plans.
Instead of dreaming about being an actress, God is molding my heart towards arts education, starting a small creative home business (an Etsy shop in the next few months!), and growing in my creative writing. These are all things that have laid under the surface for a while and desires I believe God wanted me to see from the beginning, but my own plans always got in the way. He is teaching me to have grace in my ‘failures,’ and know that He even uses those to grow me and explore who I am and where He’s taking me and my family on this new journey.
I definitely don’t have it right yet, but I think I’m finally starting to lean into that lesson of trusting God with my journey. I hope that I can continue to grow in that deepness of trust and continue to open my hands up and offer him my dreams (big and small) and find clarity in the fact that He is ultimately in control and I don’t have to be.
Instead of dreaming about being an actress, God is molding my heart towards arts education, starting a small creative home business (an Etsy shop in the next few months!), and growing in my creative writing. These are all things that have laid under the surface for a while and desires I believe God wanted me to see from the beginning, but my own plans always got in the way. He is teaching me to have grace in my ‘failures,’ and know that He even uses those to grow me and explore who I am and where He’s taking me and my family on this new journey.
I definitely don’t have it right yet, but I think I’m finally starting to lean into that lesson of trusting God with my journey. I hope that I can continue to grow in that deepness of trust and continue to open my hands up and offer him my dreams (big and small) and find clarity in the fact that He is ultimately in control and I don’t have to be.
Dear Readers - it is me, your fearless Writer. Today, I abdicate my throne of blogship and hand control over to my dear friend Lindsay. By the time you read this, I will probably be flying somewhere over your head, on my way to a much needed vacation.
I am leave you in very dry, very capable hands.
Let's get aquainted.
Lindsay is my southern sister. She has dry hands, long eyelashes and a huge heart. She owns a massive collection of scarves and faints easily, much like a goat. She works with teenage girls for a living and I hope she continues to do so until I have a teenage daughter to hand over to her because, wow, does she love these girls. She teaches them to be passionate and intentional and bold, simply by being herself. As they're at an age where girls often fumble for identity, she takes her students by their faces and looks them in their eyes and tells them YOU ARE BELOVED. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE.
I love the way that Lindsay writes, because it reminds me of the way she lives and talks: with obvious - often hilarious - intensity. She is the fastest talker (and rapper) I know and her sentences often leapfrog, because she is so excited to get them out. Her intensity makes its way into her discipline, which is where she teaches me the most. This girl is hardcore and I'm so excited to unleash her upon you.
Lindsay blogs over at http://www.singingmysongwithgrace.blogspot.com/ so if you like what you see, head over there and follow her too. I promise it will be worthwhile.
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hello readers!
I am leave you in very dry, very capable hands.
Let's get aquainted.
Lindsay is my southern sister. She has dry hands, long eyelashes and a huge heart. She owns a massive collection of scarves and faints easily, much like a goat. She works with teenage girls for a living and I hope she continues to do so until I have a teenage daughter to hand over to her because, wow, does she love these girls. She teaches them to be passionate and intentional and bold, simply by being herself. As they're at an age where girls often fumble for identity, she takes her students by their faces and looks them in their eyes and tells them YOU ARE BELOVED. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE.
I love the way that Lindsay writes, because it reminds me of the way she lives and talks: with obvious - often hilarious - intensity. She is the fastest talker (and rapper) I know and her sentences often leapfrog, because she is so excited to get them out. Her intensity makes its way into her discipline, which is where she teaches me the most. This girl is hardcore and I'm so excited to unleash her upon you.
Lindsay blogs over at http://www.singingmysongwithgrace.blogspot.com/ so if you like what you see, head over there and follow her too. I promise it will be worthwhile.
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hello readers!
i am the biggest fan of marri's. this is such a treat for me to write on her blog, to be a part of her story, to partner in her journey. you have no idea, this is such a gift for me to virtually be here.
so since i'm here, let's be honest with each other. i'm an honest writer, words are how my soul breathes, so let's just dive right in.
i'm having a really hard time writing this.
i look back over my recent journey, over the last 3/4ths of 2012 and ponder and wonder and literally stand, mouth agape, at my life and at where He's led me. i couldn't begin to describe the heartache but the joy, the confusion but the peace, the uncertainty but the knowing God is God.
i'm having a really hard time writing this.
i look back over my recent journey, over the last 3/4ths of 2012 and ponder and wonder and literally stand, mouth agape, at my life and at where He's led me. i couldn't begin to describe the heartache but the joy, the confusion but the peace, the uncertainty but the knowing God is God.
and since i can't untangle and process through all of what God is doing with this part of my journey because it's not done yet, can i share someone else's journey? one of my favorite journeys, the journey of Jacob? would you so terribly mind that? (terribly mind? who am i, downton abbey?)
i've always been confused by jacob. he's a biblical character i haven't always understood. i think he's greedy and sneaky and selfish and prideful and his story is weird, isn't it? but then. that's who God loves to use. jacob always seemed like a wild card who didn't fit anybody's mold, a troublemaker that God was pursuing like crazy.
i've always been confused by jacob. he's a biblical character i haven't always understood. i think he's greedy and sneaky and selfish and prideful and his story is weird, isn't it? but then. that's who God loves to use. jacob always seemed like a wild card who didn't fit anybody's mold, a troublemaker that God was pursuing like crazy.
so in the story of jacob, he steals his brother esau's blessing and runs off to work seven years to marry rachel and has a dream about ladders to heaven. then he has lots of kids and becomes wealthy, runs away from his father in law, and then he finds out that his brother is after him. and he's afraid. he's distressed.
and so jacob is left alone in his camp and a man comes in the night and wrestles with him. and he keeps wrestling with jacob and jacob won't let go. the man touches his hip and jacob's hip is put out of joint, but jacob keeps wrestling through the pain. the man says, let me go! the day is coming. and jacob says NO. I WILL NOT LET GO UNTIL YOU BLESS ME. (i always gasp at this point in the story - the audacity!).
but then the man responds by asking him what his name is. "i'm jacob," he says. and the man says, "your name is no longer jacob, but ISRAEL, for you have striven with God and man and have prevailed." and then jacob is blessed by God. and jacob says, "i have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered."
i've been so intrigued by this exchange lately, this leg of jacob's journey. he wrestles, he doesn't let go, he's given a NEW name, he's blessed. i fear that if this had been me and if the man (God) had said let me go, i would have dropped the fight immediately. but he kept going. ann voskamp writes in her book "one thousand gifts" - "wrestle with God and beg to see the blessings."
and i think that's my biggest takeaway from crazy jacob. we can approach God and we can be real and we can say no! help me! blessings!? and we can cry out loudly. because we can believe that. He promises to be a God who not only hears our cries, but delivers and restores. i think this exchange can mean a lot of things. it means we can believe that God is a God who gives us blessings. and it's God that's in every wrestling - even and especially with people - and where there's God, there's good. how we respond to people is how we respond to the Lord.
we've striven with God. not against, but with. we're wrestling with God to find the 'what for, for what' of the brokenness we face. we're made new, given new names, and we're made more in the reflection of Jesus.
and the story continues. the next day, jacob meets his brother esau. esau runs up to jacob and embraces him and kisses him and they weep together. and in their exchange, jacob remarks, "God has dealt graciously with me." isn't that so good? the wrestling is grace.
so keep going. keep going. keep going. keep wrestling, keep fighting, keep honestly, boldly coming before God each and every day. He's not a friend who will gossip about what you've said, He's not someone you have to explain how you're feeling, He's not neutral about your existence. He loves you with a fiercely passionate love and He's good, He's really, really good. And it's your journey, your story - He's perfectly ordained it. He's gone before, He's right beside you, and He hems you in as you go.
blessed journey! may you wrestle and see all the many blessings of yours.
but then the man responds by asking him what his name is. "i'm jacob," he says. and the man says, "your name is no longer jacob, but ISRAEL, for you have striven with God and man and have prevailed." and then jacob is blessed by God. and jacob says, "i have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered."
i've been so intrigued by this exchange lately, this leg of jacob's journey. he wrestles, he doesn't let go, he's given a NEW name, he's blessed. i fear that if this had been me and if the man (God) had said let me go, i would have dropped the fight immediately. but he kept going. ann voskamp writes in her book "one thousand gifts" - "wrestle with God and beg to see the blessings."
and i think that's my biggest takeaway from crazy jacob. we can approach God and we can be real and we can say no! help me! blessings!? and we can cry out loudly. because we can believe that. He promises to be a God who not only hears our cries, but delivers and restores. i think this exchange can mean a lot of things. it means we can believe that God is a God who gives us blessings. and it's God that's in every wrestling - even and especially with people - and where there's God, there's good. how we respond to people is how we respond to the Lord.
we've striven with God. not against, but with. we're wrestling with God to find the 'what for, for what' of the brokenness we face. we're made new, given new names, and we're made more in the reflection of Jesus.
and the story continues. the next day, jacob meets his brother esau. esau runs up to jacob and embraces him and kisses him and they weep together. and in their exchange, jacob remarks, "God has dealt graciously with me." isn't that so good? the wrestling is grace.
so keep going. keep going. keep going. keep wrestling, keep fighting, keep honestly, boldly coming before God each and every day. He's not a friend who will gossip about what you've said, He's not someone you have to explain how you're feeling, He's not neutral about your existence. He loves you with a fiercely passionate love and He's good, He's really, really good. And it's your journey, your story - He's perfectly ordained it. He's gone before, He's right beside you, and He hems you in as you go.
blessed journey! may you wrestle and see all the many blessings of yours.
Anyone else out there reeeaally, really struggle with balance?
(Not physical balance, although those of you who have seen me attempt to board an escalator may beg to differ.)
I'm talking about balance in life. I feel like I never quite get it right - I'm always at one extreme or the other. I push myself way too hard, or I'm overrun with apathy. I floss my gums to shreds or I neglect them altogether. I sleep for 3 hours or 13 hours. I am a person of wild extremes and while there is something to be said for giving myself grace and accepting my uniqueness, there is a time to put that aside and strive for moderation.
This is especially hard for me in terms of accomplishment, the expectations I paint over my life.
I've been talking about adventure a lot lately, but I was really inspired by my brother. He recently moved to L.A. to pursue a career in films. He has been there for a little over 3 months and is mind-boggled that he has not made his big break yet. And when he calls me, frustrated and I laugh indulgently and give him Yoda pep talks (Silly Ryan, some time you must give it!), I start to realize how hypocritical I sound. My poor brother and I were born with a potent combination of Asian overachievement and Irish stubbornness. So, not only do we think,
So I write this as much for the Ryans of the world as I do for my backwards self:
No one really cares.
No one really cares!
Yes, it is important to have goals and aspirations. Yes, it is important to work hard. Yes, we were given gifts to use them and fear should never hold us back. But for goodness' sake, let's be honest: no one really cares that I already bombed my New Years resolution and missed a week of blogging. No one cares that Ryan hasn't landed a gig yet. No one cares that I didn't get published on my first try.
Because, as wise old Dr. Seuss said: the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. The people who would be small and cruel and petty enough to criticize our accomplishments or lack thereof should not be given space in our heads. And the people who love us weep when we weep, laugh when we laugh and ultimately care about the state of our hearts. And they would remind us to remind our Asian-Irish hearts that we are not human doings, not human havings or strivings or accomplishings or winnings. We are human beings, beloved in that simple fact.
So, to the Ryans and Marris of the world and to my overachieving, stubborn old soul...hear this freedom:
You are not your film career.
You are not your book writing.
You are not your red hair or your brown hair.
You are not your freckles or your big head.
You are not your marriage.
You are not your singlehood.
You are not your adventure.
You are a human being and you are Beloved by a Good Shepherd who wastes nothing and in THAT your identity should rest.
It's so easy to jump to an extreme. To either shut down and decide not to care or to spiral out of control with plans and schemes and worries. But there has to be a balance, rooted in the truth of Belovedness.
When I was writing the Werewolf Jesus book, I had about a week to go until my deadline and I was nowhere close to my word count goal. I was in panic-mode, devouring Smartfood and popping headstands to increase bloodflow to my brain. I got a text from a friend, a writer that I so admire and it just said "bird by bird, Marri."
Bird by bird.
Fans of Anne Lamott will understand this, but for the rest of you, it basically means "baby steps." Something that I need to be reminded of nearly every day. It would never occur to me to take baby steps, to bite of only what I can chew, to set realistic goals. And, as I've said, it's ok that I am who I am. It's ok to be my unrealistically ambitious self. But at the root of most of my extremes is Fear, and that's what has no place in a life of freedom.
Fear says "Sure, God says He will provide for you, but just in case - you should make sure you obsess over the finances."
It sits on my shoulder and whispers "He says He is good, but what if His big, sovereign plan is to dangle authorship in front of you for the rest of your life, until you're old and full of regret? Maybe you should give up and eat some Easy Mac."
And the comforting thing is that His Love - that will not betray, dismay or enslave- sets us free from this polarizing Fear by offering balance. He tells us it's ok to live Bird by Bird. That the wonderful combination of our free will and His plan is that if we trust Him for the big picture, we can live in freedom and balance with the day by day. When all I can really control are my actions for this day, well, it really narrows my scope of worry. When all that matters is that I'm Beloved, well, I don't feel overwhelmed by expectation.
I set out to write a much different post, but sometimes I guess you need to set yourself straight. Someone please email me my own words in approximately 18 days.
I should have fully forgotten them by then and will be in full panic mode that I am 25 and have yet to conquer the world.
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As always, I would love if you'd share this or opt to follow me here or on Twitter, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I'll even pass 100 followers soon?
(Not physical balance, although those of you who have seen me attempt to board an escalator may beg to differ.)
I'm talking about balance in life. I feel like I never quite get it right - I'm always at one extreme or the other. I push myself way too hard, or I'm overrun with apathy. I floss my gums to shreds or I neglect them altogether. I sleep for 3 hours or 13 hours. I am a person of wild extremes and while there is something to be said for giving myself grace and accepting my uniqueness, there is a time to put that aside and strive for moderation.
This is especially hard for me in terms of accomplishment, the expectations I paint over my life.
I've been talking about adventure a lot lately, but I was really inspired by my brother. He recently moved to L.A. to pursue a career in films. He has been there for a little over 3 months and is mind-boggled that he has not made his big break yet. And when he calls me, frustrated and I laugh indulgently and give him Yoda pep talks (Silly Ryan, some time you must give it!), I start to realize how hypocritical I sound. My poor brother and I were born with a potent combination of Asian overachievement and Irish stubbornness. So, not only do we think,
"I should accomplish everything, with perfection, as soon as humanly possible or forever shame my ancestors and bring dishonor upon my family",but we follow it with
"I CAN AND WILL DO EVERYTHING AND NOTHING YOU SAY CAN DISSUADE ME, YE ARSE."I know, I know - it's a really stupid way to live. It's exhausting and disappointing and extremely frustrating. And the hilarious reality is that we bring it upon ourselves. No one else it putting these expectations on us, no one else is pushing us this hard, no one else really cares about our goals and deadlines but ourselves.
So I write this as much for the Ryans of the world as I do for my backwards self:
No one really cares.
No one really cares!
Yes, it is important to have goals and aspirations. Yes, it is important to work hard. Yes, we were given gifts to use them and fear should never hold us back. But for goodness' sake, let's be honest: no one really cares that I already bombed my New Years resolution and missed a week of blogging. No one cares that Ryan hasn't landed a gig yet. No one cares that I didn't get published on my first try.
Because, as wise old Dr. Seuss said: the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. The people who would be small and cruel and petty enough to criticize our accomplishments or lack thereof should not be given space in our heads. And the people who love us weep when we weep, laugh when we laugh and ultimately care about the state of our hearts. And they would remind us to remind our Asian-Irish hearts that we are not human doings, not human havings or strivings or accomplishings or winnings. We are human beings, beloved in that simple fact.
So, to the Ryans and Marris of the world and to my overachieving, stubborn old soul...hear this freedom:
You are not your film career.
You are not your book writing.
You are not your red hair or your brown hair.
You are not your freckles or your big head.
You are not your marriage.
You are not your singlehood.
You are not your adventure.
You are a human being and you are Beloved by a Good Shepherd who wastes nothing and in THAT your identity should rest.
It's so easy to jump to an extreme. To either shut down and decide not to care or to spiral out of control with plans and schemes and worries. But there has to be a balance, rooted in the truth of Belovedness.
When I was writing the Werewolf Jesus book, I had about a week to go until my deadline and I was nowhere close to my word count goal. I was in panic-mode, devouring Smartfood and popping headstands to increase bloodflow to my brain. I got a text from a friend, a writer that I so admire and it just said "bird by bird, Marri."
Bird by bird.
Fans of Anne Lamott will understand this, but for the rest of you, it basically means "baby steps." Something that I need to be reminded of nearly every day. It would never occur to me to take baby steps, to bite of only what I can chew, to set realistic goals. And, as I've said, it's ok that I am who I am. It's ok to be my unrealistically ambitious self. But at the root of most of my extremes is Fear, and that's what has no place in a life of freedom.
Fear says "Sure, God says He will provide for you, but just in case - you should make sure you obsess over the finances."
It sits on my shoulder and whispers "He says He is good, but what if His big, sovereign plan is to dangle authorship in front of you for the rest of your life, until you're old and full of regret? Maybe you should give up and eat some Easy Mac."
And the comforting thing is that His Love - that will not betray, dismay or enslave- sets us free from this polarizing Fear by offering balance. He tells us it's ok to live Bird by Bird. That the wonderful combination of our free will and His plan is that if we trust Him for the big picture, we can live in freedom and balance with the day by day. When all I can really control are my actions for this day, well, it really narrows my scope of worry. When all that matters is that I'm Beloved, well, I don't feel overwhelmed by expectation.
I set out to write a much different post, but sometimes I guess you need to set yourself straight. Someone please email me my own words in approximately 18 days.
I should have fully forgotten them by then and will be in full panic mode that I am 25 and have yet to conquer the world.
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The great moments in my life are marked by redheads. My younger brother, much like a delectable salad dressing, is an Asian Ginger. I married into a family of wild redheads. Most of the awesome people I know rock shades along the spectrum of strawberry blonde to deep auburn.
Redheads are a rare and extraordinary people.
So when my redheaded friend Lydia set me up on a friend date with her redheaded friend Afshaan, I knew it would be legendary. Double the ginger, double the awesome, right? Right.
Afshaan is a delicious mixture of seeming contradictions: she is a redhead from India. She is softspoken and sarcastic. She is from Dorchester, but she is stylish (Southie burn!) And she is a writer who doesn't blog!
I had my first taste of Afshaan's deep and ancient wisdom (probably absorbed via osmosis while she roamed the hills of rural India) in a college creative writing course. I have been jonesing for another hit ever since, so when I saw an opportunity to force her into guest blogging for me, I jumped at it.
I was not disappointed.
Afshaan does not regularly grace the world with her writing, so if you like what you read, make sure to leave a comment to guilt her into doing so more often. Peer pressure is a powerful tool and together we can make a difference.
If you think her writing sucks, just do the polite thing by keeping your stupid opinion to yourself and instead harass her cool (brunette) musician boyfriend at http://reverendmusic.com/ . After all, he put her up to this.
Take it away, Ging.
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I've been reading my way - slowly and not too surely - through Genesis. I find the stories can be confusing and sometimes downright infuriating. As these people, these Israelites, are making their rambling way across the literal and personal deserts of their lives, I find myself getting a little... well, judge-y. Time and again I'm so annoyed and disappointed with these characters - why don't they keep their word? Why do they ignore God? Why do they live in fear? Why do they do these terrible things?
Redheads are a rare and extraordinary people.
So when my redheaded friend Lydia set me up on a friend date with her redheaded friend Afshaan, I knew it would be legendary. Double the ginger, double the awesome, right? Right.
Afshaan is a delicious mixture of seeming contradictions: she is a redhead from India. She is softspoken and sarcastic. She is from Dorchester, but she is stylish (Southie burn!) And she is a writer who doesn't blog!
I had my first taste of Afshaan's deep and ancient wisdom (probably absorbed via osmosis while she roamed the hills of rural India) in a college creative writing course. I have been jonesing for another hit ever since, so when I saw an opportunity to force her into guest blogging for me, I jumped at it.
I was not disappointed.
Afshaan does not regularly grace the world with her writing, so if you like what you read, make sure to leave a comment to guilt her into doing so more often. Peer pressure is a powerful tool and together we can make a difference.
If you think her writing sucks, just do the polite thing by keeping your stupid opinion to yourself and instead harass her cool (brunette) musician boyfriend at http://reverendmusic.com/ . After all, he put her up to this.
Take it away, Ging.
=======================================================================
I've been reading my way - slowly and not too surely - through Genesis. I find the stories can be confusing and sometimes downright infuriating. As these people, these Israelites, are making their rambling way across the literal and personal deserts of their lives, I find myself getting a little... well, judge-y. Time and again I'm so annoyed and disappointed with these characters - why don't they keep their word? Why do they ignore God? Why do they live in fear? Why do they do these terrible things?
I was starting to get a little fed up with these so-called people of God when I was struck by something. What if - for some crazy reason - someone decided that my life was worth writing about and documenting for the ages - an account that people would read for the next, I don't know, thousands of years, over and over again to try eke out some meaning, some spiritual truths. What would the story say? Well, first of all, kept to the bare facts, it would probably be a little boring. But also, it would probably be confusing and infuriating (sound familiar?). If someone were to actually write down my daily reactions (or non-reactions) to God, my repeated bungling of my life, my absolute forgetfulness of the amazing promises of God that are waiting to be claimed, they would probably be disappointed. Why didn't she keep her promise to that person? Why did she take the easy way out in that work situation? What is she so afraid of in life? Wait, HOW old is she and WHY doesn't she have her drivers' license yet? (This is a fact: I am 26 and haven't gotten my drivers' license yet.)
What if the petty little mistakes and deceptions of my day to day life, the lies I tell others and myself, the lack of regard I show to God and my friends (not to mention enemies!) - what if they were written down into a story and read by millions of people? Oh, it would be embarrassing, devastating. What I've grown to appreciate about reading through the Scriptures is that they don't shy away from the complete and utter failures of their characters. How was - on the one hand - David a man after God's own heart, and - on the other hand - a coward, an adulterer, a deceitful and disloyal friend? How am I - on one hand - called beloved, a child of God, worth fighting for, worthy of even death on a cross, and - on the other hand - an anxious, petty, fearful person who often chooses the path of least resistance even if it means being deceitful to myself or to others.
How is this possible?
What I've realised as I'm reading through these ancient stories, is that what makes these stories beautiful is God.
Are the stories of the Bible tales of perfect, sinless people who do perfect, sinless things? No, because it's a story about humans - and let's be real: perfection, sinlessness, and humans just don't coexist. No, it is a story - a journey, if you will (see, Marri, I'm incorporating the theme!) - of broken people traversing broken lands and making mistakes and being redeemed by God. Time and again God is faithful to them - allows for and covers their ugly humanity with His grace. Is a story about a group of brothers throwing their brother into a well and then selling him into slavery a beautiful one? Nope, not if it stops there. Is a story about God saving that forsaken brother and raising him into a position of dignity and power and growing him into a wise, compassionate, and godly man so that one day he might save the lives of those very brothers who betrayed him and relieve them of their hunger and shame - is that a beautiful story? Yes, absolutely. God consistently makes the small magnificent, restores the forsaken, emboldens the fearful, is a companion the lonely, makes the plodding pilgrimage into an adventurous journey - in short, He makes the unbeautiful beautiful.
And the most amazing thing - the Big Story that all these little stories are woven into - is that through Jesus, God did the impossible - he broke the time-tested equation that sinlessness and humanity do not coexist. He gave us a saviour who was human and could understand the daily aches and pains of being in these not-too-trusty bodies of ours. But he also gave us a way out: through his life, showed us an alternative way of living that was so beautiful it seemed (and is) impossible but for total reliance on God. Because God understands that weare beautiful and capable of acts of immense dignity and compassion, that we can grow - but he wants us to understand what we often sort of vaguely keep at the back of our minds: that true goodness, true dignity, true holiness is only possible through Him. Without His grace flooding our lives and filling in the broken, empty spaces, our lives - my life - are sort of just disconnected episodes of failures, half-hearted attempts at "being better," unkept resolutions, frustrating relationships.
No, he refuses to leave us at that.
He comes in there and adds colour and depth and joy and bravery and ADVENTURE! He says, "Come with me!" and we sort of look at him a little befuddled and scared and he's waving his hands and saying "No, seriously, come here!" and then we enter into His presence and you know what?
There's nothing like it.
He is calling us into His presence to make sense of our boring or maybe brazen lives, to take us in and make us beautiful. He is weaving our stories into His.
As I announced in last week's post, I'll be having some guest bloggers popping by over the next month or so. I couldn't be more excited to hear what these wise women have to say about our chosen topic: journey.
But until then, you are stuck with me and what I have to say about journey.
And it's funny because a wise author once told me to never quote anyone but myself on my blog. But here is the topic of journey, and it finds me a wide-eyed fool. So I have taken to quoting those much older and wiser and, well, I guess I'm okay with it after all.
And here it is:
Between watching The Hobbit over Christmas and my recent re-reading of The Chronicles of Narnia, (nerd alert) journeys have been on my mind a lot. Across lands, through rivers, over mountains.
For two crusty old academics, Tolkein and Lewis really knew how to create adventures, dangers and wild quests.
I've been on quite an adventure these past few months. First, I left my job in academic publishing to take some creative writing and advertising classes. Why?
Because I wanted to.
What? That's so unlike me!
That's where the adventure comes in, I think. The simple fact that it is illogical, inadvisable, but so strangely satisfying and peaceful at the same time. I can't really explain it or necessarily advise it to everyone else. Frankly, it doesn't make much sense.
But until then, you are stuck with me and what I have to say about journey.
And it's funny because a wise author once told me to never quote anyone but myself on my blog. But here is the topic of journey, and it finds me a wide-eyed fool. So I have taken to quoting those much older and wiser and, well, I guess I'm okay with it after all.
And here it is:
Between watching The Hobbit over Christmas and my recent re-reading of The Chronicles of Narnia, (nerd alert) journeys have been on my mind a lot. Across lands, through rivers, over mountains.
For two crusty old academics, Tolkein and Lewis really knew how to create adventures, dangers and wild quests.
I've been on quite an adventure these past few months. First, I left my job in academic publishing to take some creative writing and advertising classes. Why?
Because I wanted to.
What? That's so unlike me!
That's where the adventure comes in, I think. The simple fact that it is illogical, inadvisable, but so strangely satisfying and peaceful at the same time. I can't really explain it or necessarily advise it to everyone else. Frankly, it doesn't make much sense.
I always thought I'd be a career woman. When I was little and I would picture Adult Me, I was always 24 years old, wearing a pencil skirt, working in a fancy office building in Boston and walking home from work. Last year, when I turned 24, I looked around and realized I had become Adult Me, in every sense- down to the pencil skirt.
Imagine my surprise when my heart sunk a little.
"That's it?"
This recent adventure has been one of abandoning my own stereotype of myself. Quitting these identities. Being free.
Sure, I was living my dream, but parts of me were suffocating there in that gray cubicle, under those stylish industrial lamps, reading page after page of manuscript. It felt like these things were slamming against the walls of my body, trying to break out or else fade away. I think perhaps these things were my gifts.
Maslow- that benevolent old Russian theorist- called them 'capacities', saying that,
I think we all have desires in our hearts. I think a good God placed them there, to nudge us on adventures. I used to see these nudges as tests, like I had to do something unpleasantly risky to prove myself or my faith. But the more I grow and beat back the Fear and learn about my specific weirdness and how it contributes to the Body of God at large, the more I start to feel that IT IS SO MUCH FUN.
He is good. He provides for these journeys and when I stop worrying about that aspect, well, I quite enjoy myself. Because, at the end of the day, I was created for this specific adventure and like C.S.Lewis said,
I used to think that God wrote formulas that our lives needed to shrink or snap into. Then I started to think that maybe He was writing love stories, lullabies to comfort and calm. But lately, I really have to say...I think he is writing adventures. You can't read the stories of the Old Testament without thinking about the wild and unexpected. About bravery, battle, journey and risk. I just finished reading a book that wondered if the crisis of fatherlessness that our country is facing isn't in part due to the lack of new frontiers. The void left when the great spirit of American pioneerism reached its end. I suppose that another whole post could be written on that subject, but my point is that I think there's something in us that yearns for quests.
And it seems that adventures are as myriad as the people who are called to them. I have friends who literally travel to the ends of the globe, friends who spend their days working with special needs children, friends who commit to the journey of adoption, friends who give up their salary to stay home with their kids. Friends who look at the American dream and trust that a Good Shepherd can dream bigger.
So how do you know when it's your adventure? How do you know that it's not just a wild urge or a whim born out of boredom?
In my experience, it's when you feel that nudge and your very responsible brain says, 'no, no let's be reasonable.' And your ever wild heart starts to obey your brain, but looks back longingly.
I think that's when you know.
When it somehow meets a wild and ferocious dream that maybe you never knew you had.
And I realize it's not always so easy.
Sometimes it feels like no doors are open. But I don't believe in that. I don't believe in spiritual claustrophobia. I am learning that there is always a door, but not always where you'd expect or feel comfortable seeing one. Sometimes it's a trapdoor that opens to a dead fall until you reach the next door. And that's scary!
And I worry that I'm starting to sound like a substance-less motivational poster, but my best advice is to defy the fear and chase that wild and ferocious dream. Because I don't believe that He knit us together with gifts and desires to sit comfortably and calmly in our routines. It seems He would agree with e.e.cummings that,
I am Beloved.
And chasing that identity is my greatest journey of all.
PS- Maybe you're wondering where my journey has led me most recently. Well, my partner from that irresponsible ad class of mine hired me as an intern in her agency. Yes, I am older than all of the other interns and yes, I spend most of my day answering the phone and stocking the fridge. Yes, I took a huge salary cut and my paychecks make me cry.
But I also get to WRITE and be CREATIVE and LEARN and feed my gifts.
He is good, all the time.
____________________________________________________________________________
As always, it is ever so appreciated if you'd follow/share. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Sure, I was living my dream, but parts of me were suffocating there in that gray cubicle, under those stylish industrial lamps, reading page after page of manuscript. It felt like these things were slamming against the walls of my body, trying to break out or else fade away. I think perhaps these things were my gifts.
Maslow- that benevolent old Russian theorist- called them 'capacities', saying that,
Capacities clamor to be used, and only cease their clamor when they are well-used. That is, capacities are also needs. Not only is it fun to use our capacities, but it is also necessary. The unused capacity can become a disease center, or else atrophy, thus diminishing the person.
I think we all have desires in our hearts. I think a good God placed them there, to nudge us on adventures. I used to see these nudges as tests, like I had to do something unpleasantly risky to prove myself or my faith. But the more I grow and beat back the Fear and learn about my specific weirdness and how it contributes to the Body of God at large, the more I start to feel that IT IS SO MUCH FUN.
He is good. He provides for these journeys and when I stop worrying about that aspect, well, I quite enjoy myself. Because, at the end of the day, I was created for this specific adventure and like C.S.Lewis said,
The place for which He designs them in His scheme of things is the place they are made for. When they reach it their nature is fulfilled and their happiness attained: a broken bone in the universe has been set, the anguish is over. When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy.
I used to think that God wrote formulas that our lives needed to shrink or snap into. Then I started to think that maybe He was writing love stories, lullabies to comfort and calm. But lately, I really have to say...I think he is writing adventures. You can't read the stories of the Old Testament without thinking about the wild and unexpected. About bravery, battle, journey and risk. I just finished reading a book that wondered if the crisis of fatherlessness that our country is facing isn't in part due to the lack of new frontiers. The void left when the great spirit of American pioneerism reached its end. I suppose that another whole post could be written on that subject, but my point is that I think there's something in us that yearns for quests.
And it seems that adventures are as myriad as the people who are called to them. I have friends who literally travel to the ends of the globe, friends who spend their days working with special needs children, friends who commit to the journey of adoption, friends who give up their salary to stay home with their kids. Friends who look at the American dream and trust that a Good Shepherd can dream bigger.
So how do you know when it's your adventure? How do you know that it's not just a wild urge or a whim born out of boredom?
In my experience, it's when you feel that nudge and your very responsible brain says, 'no, no let's be reasonable.' And your ever wild heart starts to obey your brain, but looks back longingly.
I think that's when you know.
When it somehow meets a wild and ferocious dream that maybe you never knew you had.
And I realize it's not always so easy.
Sometimes it feels like no doors are open. But I don't believe in that. I don't believe in spiritual claustrophobia. I am learning that there is always a door, but not always where you'd expect or feel comfortable seeing one. Sometimes it's a trapdoor that opens to a dead fall until you reach the next door. And that's scary!
And I worry that I'm starting to sound like a substance-less motivational poster, but my best advice is to defy the fear and chase that wild and ferocious dream. Because I don't believe that He knit us together with gifts and desires to sit comfortably and calmly in our routines. It seems He would agree with e.e.cummings that,
It takes great courage to grow up and become who you really are.So yes, it's been scary and weird and at times extremely difficult to try and be who I really am and not the Adult Me that my littler self created. But it's also invigorating and freeing in a way I simply cannot explain. Because it reminds me of that deep and resounding truth: that I'm not my job, I'm not my apartment, I'm not anyone's expectations (especially my own) -
I am Beloved.
And chasing that identity is my greatest journey of all.
PS- Maybe you're wondering where my journey has led me most recently. Well, my partner from that irresponsible ad class of mine hired me as an intern in her agency. Yes, I am older than all of the other interns and yes, I spend most of my day answering the phone and stocking the fridge. Yes, I took a huge salary cut and my paychecks make me cry.
But I also get to WRITE and be CREATIVE and LEARN and feed my gifts.
He is good, all the time.
____________________________________________________________________________
As always, it is ever so appreciated if you'd follow/share. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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