inception.

i wanted to start this post with a clever insight or a witty reference toward the total mind grenade that is INCEPTION...but i am a) not smart enough b) getting ahead of myself.

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE, you should. and when you do, come back and read the rest of this post, so i don't spoil parts of the movie for you.

IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE, check out this  guy's interpretation. i came out of the movie in an intellectual depression. i get that way when i can't wrap my mind around something. i felt about 87% better after reading this article.

now, i wasn't going to blog about the movie because this is supposed to be a blog on christian culture and the last thing i want to do is be THAT writer. you know, the one who feeds on every pop culture spectacle by giving the christian view/version/interpretation. but, like an idea that's been INCEPTED into my mind...i can't stop looking at the world around me through the lens of this incredible movie.

i've been thinking alot about death lately.
not in a creepy, angelina jolie way, but more of a...musing. i recently had my wisdom teeth out and while on vicodin, i dreamt that i died. it was a vivid dream and death felt just like...falling asleep. (the heaven that i dreamed is beautiful enough for a whole separate post...) and i've been wondering how accurate my dream actually was. i've been thinking about that moment when our inner candle gets snuffed out, something in us dissapears and we we stop being a person and become just an object that gives people the creeps. it's weird, right? everyone wonders what it's like to die.

in pilgrim's progess, christian has to walk through the river of death to get to the celestial city and as he walks in to his neck and the water starts to wash over his face, he panics, floundering about until he feels land under his feet again and suddenly he's in heaven. props to john bunyan for this world renowned allegory but WOW could you come up with a less horrifying analogy than drowning!!? i remember in touched by an angel, when andrew - the angel of death - would come to a person while they were sleeping and explain that it was time to go see God. he was so pretty and calm and he would take them by the hand and they'd walk off into invisibility, beautiful as can be. that was nice.

in a jodi picoult book i read once (don't hate...) she wonders if it isn't like when you're little and you fall asleep in the car during a long trip. someone bigger than you carries you inside and lays you in bed and in the morning you wake up and wonder how you ended up at home. and i always liked that explanation. i thought about it while i was watching inception and also after i had my vicodin dream.

stay with me on this one.

i wonder if that's most what it will be like to die. in terms of inception, you "hit the drop" and wake up with a start, look around and realize you're Home. you're with your Creator, the Being that fills the universe with love, joy, color and goodness. and you'll think "oh good, i'm awake!" and all of the things you did during that dream on earth will seem a little fuzzy. being truly awake, you can look back on that dream - the life you lived so ferociously and obliviously - and see all of the things that don't quite make sense. because, like leo says, you don't realize that something was odd until you wake up. like how you cared more about being promoted than you did about helping your neighbor pay his heating bill. or how you attended church so faithfully but never forgave your ex for cheating on you. or how you spent so much time shopping and so little time trying to get in touch with this overwhelming Presence of love that fills up your senses now that you're awake for the first time.

and i wonder how silly i'll feel. how funny my little blog will sound in the presence of pure Truth. how bizarre things like pornography, competition, pollution and self-help books will seem. how wimpy and broken our religious rituals will appear. how truly SHORT our time will have seemed.

and we'll all be up there together, God chasers, awake and giddy with that specific combination of excitement and relief that comes from waking up from a dream - no matter how good or bad. and like all dreams do, maybe our times on this version of earth will fade from memory and all that will be left is the lessons we took away. the lessons in love and mercy, kindness and joy. forgiveness and patience. the kind of lessons that cs lewis says will make us "more solid, more suitable for heaven".

sometimes i can catch myself falling asleep. it's that feeling of falling away, the pull toward blankness. i always resist it, as i've always fought the unknown. it's not that i'm scared- it's a control thing. but if that's death, that right there...the feeling i felt in my dream...i believe that someday -  when i've told my stories and fought the fights i need to fight and learned the lessons i still need to learn - i'll reach a point where i won't resist it. i hope that a lifetime of Godchasing will have made the unknown a little closer to known. and i'll just...go.

and the most affirming, comforting moment in my life thus far?
in my trippy little vicodin dream, as sun splashed into the ocean and i felt the rush of a million birds flying at me (i told you it would take a whole separate post to explain...) and the world disintegrated around me, pulling me into death, the only thought in my dream-dying mind was this:

"i'll see you soon, Jesus".

and i think i can spend the rest of my time here on earth sprinting toward that same steady thought.

so thanks, vicodin.

schmancy 2.0

ok, 1st makeover was not such a hit.

what do we think of this one?

well, readers, i've got good news and bad news.

bad news first, always:
the agent 'passed' on representing me. wrote me a raving review but says his client load is full and he can't take on anyone new (especially a baby author like me). sad day. he was sure to let me know i am very publishable and that he loved my manuscript, so that softened the blow. so did the massive amounts of chocolate chip ice cream and dino nuggets i ate afterward.

good news:
now is my chance to cash in on all of those "ins" you have all been offering me these past months. for everyone whose brother's friend's roommate works at an agency or whose next door neighbor's dog walker works at Zondervan... hit me with it. we are back to square one...but in a good way. we are staying positive. we are exploring our options.

we are sick to death of dino nuggets.

genie.

i used to need a tiny God.

and when i say that, i think of the cheesy John the Baptist snowglobe (well, technically it was a water-globe) that we had in our living room. Jesus and JTB were inside and when you shook it, the artificially blue water sloshed down, "baptizing" them. wahoo.

i used to need a God who would fit in a delicate glass globe amongst my mom's victorian hat boxes.

when i thought about the real God, i pictured Genie from Disney's Alladin: He could be everywhere at once, he could stretch out to fit the sky, he could multiply and race around the globe,  he could melt down and fill the ocean, he could grow big and bounce the earth like a ping pong ball. He was this giant, uncontainable presence that scared the crap out of me.

so i wanted him to be small. tiny. my-size-barbie-esque.
i liked when God was described as "here beside me" or "my best friend" "my confidant". i liked the stuff about Him being a part of my daily life and caring that my guinea pig died (rest in peace, Zippy) and helping me finish my math homework. i liked the cozy side of God. all of the other stuff - the stuff about Him ruling the earth and reigning in power and majesty and commanding the waves and overseeing history - that was all just much too much. it made Him feel distant and terrifying - not in a bad way but more in a strange, unfamiliar way.

i've been reading through Psalms lately.
and i used to think of Psalms as kind of a bipolar teenage diary. one second it's all "God, where are you -  my life sucks" and the next, it's "God is so good! praise Him forever!". and of course, we can all relate to both. but since i have been reading through it front to back, i am seeing two consistent themes. the first is honesty. these people tell God EXACTLY how they feel and in the end, realize who they're talking to - which is why i think so many of them take a bizarre turn toward praisetown. which brings me to the next thing i am seeing. the most consistent message i keep getting smacked with in Psalms is this: God reigns. the Lord reigns. He is above it all. so many of the Psalms focus on His power and majesty and...bigness.

and the little kid inside of me wants to shrink away from this. wants to shove that tricksy Genie back into the waterglobe. but at this point in my life, when i'm standing on the edge of the real world and realizing just how enormous it really is, a big God doesn't seem so scary anymore. on the contrary, it feels like quite a comfort. to see the job market as this vast, bustling landscape and then to imagine Him stretched out over it. large and in charge. to see my future rolling out like a not-so-red carpet with a million multiplied Genies lining either side. to know that as bipolar as i may feel day in and day out, and as big and tangled and complicated this adult life may get, HE REIGNS. bottom line is, at the end of the day, no matter what life throws at me, He is bigger.

and i don't say that as a chirpy, saccharine Christiany answer to any problem. like the Psalmists, i know there will be times when i'll pull a line from a Mel Gibson movie, shake my little fist at the sky and say "this sucks!" but to know that He is bigger than the suckiness is a tiny comfort in and of itself.

shmancy.

so, what do we think of the new design?


 vote now, yea or nay.

i think it might be a little TOO pretty for werewolf.

latest and greatest.

still waiting to hear from the big, bad Agent.

thanks for all of the inquiries. in the meantime, instead of twiddling my abnormally long thumbs, i have been very busy. here's some of the many very important things i have done:

1. i set up a twitter. i'm still learning my way around the branches, tweetage and all that, but i'm on there. follow me, if you're into that thing. werewolfjesusbk
2. i removed the wallpaper in my bathroom. i was a little too enthusiastic in my removal. so then i spackled the holes and sealed everything up, forgot to ventilate and got a little high off fumes.
3. i roadtripped to pennsylvania and met my husbands entire family. there are alot of them and they all promised to visit my website so let's see who followed through. (guys, i know i said no pressure but let's be honest, i have been checking ever since...)
4. i got the thrilling news that my wisdom teeth removal surgery will take place on my birthday. superb.
5. i got my hair cut short. on the good days, i decide that i am very katie holmes-esque and that everyone envies my sleek, artsy style. on the bad days, i am convinced that i just look like johnny dep from the new, creepy willy wonka movie. i spend most days in an exhausting flip flop between the two ideas.
6. i wrote a proposal for A SECOND BOOK. i started getting inklings toward the end of Werewolf Jesus that there might be a second book rumbling up within me. it is so. more to come on that later but for now i will say i am calling it "Animangels" (i'm really into word fusion these days and if i need to spell it out for you, i will. animals and angels and the weird ways we humans are all at once both and neither.)

i'll keep you updated (hopefully via tweet...) on the book progress.

in the meantime, if you're new to the site, excerpts are in the archives, feel free to look around.

tinkle.

ladies and gentlemen, we have entered crunch time.

my nose is spending so much time pressed to the grindstone this week that i am starting to chafe (har har har) and maybe i will end up looking like michael jackson (too soon?) but Werewolf Jesus must be in the mail, padded envelope, on its way to Colorado by FRIDAY. after that, it's in the hands of the agent and i don't know much about the process from there.

'rocketman' was my absolute favorite movie growing up (followed closely by 'dunston checks in' and 'good burger') and there's this part where doofy fred z. randall - last minute choice for a trip to mars - is about to takeoff in the spaceship. they start the countdown and he starts freaking out and saying that he's not ready and finally screams

I HAVE TO GO TINKLE!

and it kind of feels a little bit like that to me right now.

needless to say, i should be getting back to work, but in the meantime check out my friend knuck's blog
i'm stealing a quote from her entry on a wrinkle in time, so you can say you read it way back when.

prayers, encouragement and shipments of smartfood and red grapes (preferred writing snacks) are welcomed and appreciated.