shriveled.

i've said before that the writer i resonate closest with is the apostle paul. he was the guy who grew up religious and followed all of the rules and then one day realized that following rules would never get him to Heaven. so he went around telling people about the silly relief that comes from free Grace.

but (it's about to get real now, readers) lately i haven't felt so paulish. it's been a strange year for me and lately i have felt less like a fiery intellectual and more like a...david.
david is the lovable screw-up of the Bible. the gilligan, the joey tribbiani, the george o'malley. he is the guy who loves God fiercely and earnestly but just can't seem to get it together. 

i know from the outside, most people don't associate me with this type of person. and there are a lot of things that i do have together. but on the train, under starlight and on the backs of my sleepy eyelids, i see it. i see my shadowlife. and i'm a david.

she who flounders.

i love God. i love Him ferociously. but i just can't seem to stay faithful. and it's not that i blatantly reject Him - flip off the heavens and chase a life of hedonism- it's just that i...wander.

and i think i understand part of what my problem is - what david's problem was: we understand Grace and unconditional Love. and we understand it maybe all too well.

i was raised by such beautiful parents - by such a loving father - that i've never had the trust issues that i see in so many of my peers. i'm not so surprised when people love me or so grateful when they are gracious to me. i take it as my due: that is how people should act.  and i don't say that to sound like a jerk, i say it to make a point.

you see, i think that i spend this life walking on the edge of a swordblade between paulish ways and davidish ways. i learn to take my facedown gratefulness for His pure unconditional Mercy and balance it with the other extreme: the tendency to take His goodness as my due. the sad habit to so wholly understand the pursuing God that i walk over Him as i wander away.

does this make sense?

i started this post with the vague goal of discussing the tension between discipline and freedom. but now all i really want to say is this:

if i'm being honest, the reason i haven't written in so long is because i have been empty. not in a dramatic way. but in the way i can imagine that david felt when he wrote psalm 42 saying "my soul pants for you, God". i've always wondered what that would feel like, to want God like water.
but the more i think about it, the more i meet my inner david, the more i realize: you don't ever WANT water. i think thirst is different than hunger in that we get some sort of pleasure from eating. sure, we need food to live, but eating is so often a social thing - a pasttime, a habit, a craving, a reward. thirst is usually just a need.
pure survival.

i'm realizing that maybe david didn't write psalm 42 because he was such a faithful pursuer of God and had a such a fervent zeal for His law. i know people like that but i'm not one of them and i know david wasn't. we wander and we flounder and we stumble after Him. not because we're so good that we want to but because we are human enough that we know we need to. we don't wake up hungry and say 'mmm i could really go for some God right now'. our skin starts to flake off and our lips crack and our tongues dry out and we start panting and admit 'ok, i need some God.'

and that's the big difference.
i need God because when i'm not in touch with Him, when i wander away, i have nothing to share. no good fruit to show. no good words to write. no good stories to tell to you, readers.
and sometimes it takes me months to dry out, to shrivel, to realize and admit that i need water. but here it is, after months of famine:

readers, i need some God. and i pray and hope that someday, like david,  i will get grey and wrinkled and wise and somewhere along the line, i will learn to wake up every day, greet the morning and greet my God and fill my cup with His goodness.

kingdom.

here is a post i wrote right after christmas but have since kept in blog purgatory, unsure of whether it made sense or not. but then, after a candid performance review- type meeting with my boss, i decided you know what? everything doesn't always have to be perfect. sometimes it just has to be something i enjoy and work hard for. so here it is.

as you probably know by now, i have - as my friend Mike says - "very specific feelings" toward many things.

like sequels.
generally, i'm not a fan of unplanned sequels. most movies or books that were meant to stand alone should stay that way. nothing good can come from adding on. there are, of course, exceptions to this rule, including Sister Act- in which the second clearly surpasses the first, due to the addition of Lauryn Hill; and The Might Ducks trilogy, which I don't even feel the need to justify. But for the most part, sequels like Legally Blonde 2, Dumb and Dumberer and The Land Before Time (parts 2 through....13?) ruin it for everyone.

that being said, i was wholly against Shrek Forever After, the 4th installment in a series that was already pushing it.

but this is not a movie review blog. it is a blog about jesus and i'm getting there.

it wasn't until christmas eve this year that i noticed how often Jesus is spoken of as a king, especially in christmas songs. maybe it's because these songs were written in monarchial societies or because "king" rhymes so well with "sing" or "bring" or "5 golden rings"... i guess sometimes phrases like that tend to fade into white noise after a lifetime of christmas eve services. but this year i was surprised to find myself full-out crying during 'joy to the world' and realized that something's shifted.
and i think it's safe to blame shrek 4.

(spoiler alert... but seriously are there any other adults out there, lining up to see this movie?)
in shrek forever after, shrek gets a glimpse into what would have happened if he was never born. in a world without shrek, princess fiona was never rescued and the kingdom of far far away falls into the hands of the evil rumplestiltskin. this beautiful and peaceful kingdom falls into ruin -  it becomes a land ravaged by famine, void of justice and patrolled by witches who throw molotov pumpkins. good people are either forced into rumplestiltskin's service or forced to live in hiding. it's all around depressing.

i guess before this year and before Shrek 4, i always thought of christmas as just kind of a pre-easter celebration. it always seemed a little grotesque to celebrate the birth of a baby because we know He grows up to die for our freedom. but this year, standing in christmas eve service, caught up in that surreal warmth that the candlelight songs always give me, my mind kept looping back to the idea of a kingdom without a Good King. if Jesus was never born, Goodness never would have been introduced to our human existence. sin would still be free to ravage our world and our kingdom - chucking molotov pumpkins at our souls.

and i heard them read those words they read every year:

" the people walking in darkness have seen a great light. "
and i think the human heart can only bear so much significance, so much beauty, so much gratefulness, before it starts to spill out of our eyes.
so as the music swelled and i looked out into a sea of tiny lights, i thought of a world ruled by a bad king, suddenly receiving it's true King. a king that ancient books say we will call Wonderful Counseler, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. and i realized we're not just celebrating the eventual sacrifice of Jesus (although yes, that is the worst/best thing ever), but rather the defeat of a bad king. the rescue of our kingdom. the introduction of light and hope.

and maybe this is something that every kindergartener already knows and i'm just late to the game. what else is new? but i warned you that this post was iffy.and so yes, joy to the world -  not just because He died, but because He came to stay. we celebrate the birth of a God who is called Emmanuel. a God who has been, since that silent night, everlastingly, delightedly, firmly and decidedly AMONG US.
because just as darkness is merely the absence of light, hell is a kingdom absent of God. He will bring us GOODNESS AND LIGHT. He is very near and He is redeeming this kingdom.

wedding.

 for those of you who asked, here is what i read at Big Guy's wedding... i'm amazed and humbled at the reactions i have received. i thought i was going to be the debbie downer of the wedding.  i think it's kind of out there in the universe that you have to fight to have a great marriage and if you don't fight, it's just a dead marriage. the truth is, you have to fight to have a marriage at all. and i'm learning that there's hope and beauty in that truth.

In the book of Revelation, Jesus’ disciple John is trying to describe his vision of Heaven. He is the only man I know of to see Heaven and come back to tell about it. He describes it the best way he knows how, which amounts to a lot of really bizarre metaphors and illustrations. But the one that fills me with the most hope and the most joy is this:

John, trying to cram all of the perfection, beauty and unity he saw up there into our whisperingly fragile language, describes Heaven as a wedding feast. 

He describes the meeting of God and His children as what we just saw, what we stood and rejoiced in, what we marvel over time and time again : a bride, making her gorgeous and thrilling walk toward her first love.

There’s not much advice I can give you two. Most of what I know about unconditional love, I learned from you. But there’s something I can tell you about, something I have learned about during this, my first year of marriage. I’m not too proud of it, because I didn’t learn it like a scholar gains knowledge through hard work or as an old man gathers wisdom over time- but more like a drowning person learns to swim: out of savage necessity.

And that is courage.

I’ve learned that there is a dark force in this world that doesn’t want us to live beautiful stories. It doesn’t want us to walk toward Heaven, toward God and toward each other with the love and joy that we celebrate today. "It doesn’t want us to face our issues, to face our fear and bring something lovely into the world."* I think you will learn that marriage is all at once unexpectedly difficult and unexpectedly beautiful because of this force.

So if there’s one thing I know from 385 days of marriage it is this: you have to be really brave.

Because in a world that resists beautiful stories, you constantly have to choose between love and fear. You cannot have a little bit of each. But here’s the wonderful truth, the lovely secret that I beg you to cling to when the promises you make today get hard to keep:

You are fighting for the most beautiful thing this side of Heaven.

When all hell breaks loose against you, that’s when you know you’re in the middle of something eternally right. Because if there’s a dark force resisting beautiful stories, then imagine how ferociously it will resist this, our personal illustration of Heaven on earth.

So, my beautiful friends, wake up every morning and be brave. Root yourselves in His perfect love that is here, around us and within us, driving out our fears and calling us home.






*this is a quote from don miller's 'a million miles in a thousand years'. in a dreamworld where he actually reads my blog, i wouldn't want him getting pissed...

inception.

i wanted to start this post with a clever insight or a witty reference toward the total mind grenade that is INCEPTION...but i am a) not smart enough b) getting ahead of myself.

IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE, you should. and when you do, come back and read the rest of this post, so i don't spoil parts of the movie for you.

IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE, check out this  guy's interpretation. i came out of the movie in an intellectual depression. i get that way when i can't wrap my mind around something. i felt about 87% better after reading this article.

now, i wasn't going to blog about the movie because this is supposed to be a blog on christian culture and the last thing i want to do is be THAT writer. you know, the one who feeds on every pop culture spectacle by giving the christian view/version/interpretation. but, like an idea that's been INCEPTED into my mind...i can't stop looking at the world around me through the lens of this incredible movie.

i've been thinking alot about death lately.
not in a creepy, angelina jolie way, but more of a...musing. i recently had my wisdom teeth out and while on vicodin, i dreamt that i died. it was a vivid dream and death felt just like...falling asleep. (the heaven that i dreamed is beautiful enough for a whole separate post...) and i've been wondering how accurate my dream actually was. i've been thinking about that moment when our inner candle gets snuffed out, something in us dissapears and we we stop being a person and become just an object that gives people the creeps. it's weird, right? everyone wonders what it's like to die.

in pilgrim's progess, christian has to walk through the river of death to get to the celestial city and as he walks in to his neck and the water starts to wash over his face, he panics, floundering about until he feels land under his feet again and suddenly he's in heaven. props to john bunyan for this world renowned allegory but WOW could you come up with a less horrifying analogy than drowning!!? i remember in touched by an angel, when andrew - the angel of death - would come to a person while they were sleeping and explain that it was time to go see God. he was so pretty and calm and he would take them by the hand and they'd walk off into invisibility, beautiful as can be. that was nice.

in a jodi picoult book i read once (don't hate...) she wonders if it isn't like when you're little and you fall asleep in the car during a long trip. someone bigger than you carries you inside and lays you in bed and in the morning you wake up and wonder how you ended up at home. and i always liked that explanation. i thought about it while i was watching inception and also after i had my vicodin dream.

stay with me on this one.

i wonder if that's most what it will be like to die. in terms of inception, you "hit the drop" and wake up with a start, look around and realize you're Home. you're with your Creator, the Being that fills the universe with love, joy, color and goodness. and you'll think "oh good, i'm awake!" and all of the things you did during that dream on earth will seem a little fuzzy. being truly awake, you can look back on that dream - the life you lived so ferociously and obliviously - and see all of the things that don't quite make sense. because, like leo says, you don't realize that something was odd until you wake up. like how you cared more about being promoted than you did about helping your neighbor pay his heating bill. or how you attended church so faithfully but never forgave your ex for cheating on you. or how you spent so much time shopping and so little time trying to get in touch with this overwhelming Presence of love that fills up your senses now that you're awake for the first time.

and i wonder how silly i'll feel. how funny my little blog will sound in the presence of pure Truth. how bizarre things like pornography, competition, pollution and self-help books will seem. how wimpy and broken our religious rituals will appear. how truly SHORT our time will have seemed.

and we'll all be up there together, God chasers, awake and giddy with that specific combination of excitement and relief that comes from waking up from a dream - no matter how good or bad. and like all dreams do, maybe our times on this version of earth will fade from memory and all that will be left is the lessons we took away. the lessons in love and mercy, kindness and joy. forgiveness and patience. the kind of lessons that cs lewis says will make us "more solid, more suitable for heaven".

sometimes i can catch myself falling asleep. it's that feeling of falling away, the pull toward blankness. i always resist it, as i've always fought the unknown. it's not that i'm scared- it's a control thing. but if that's death, that right there...the feeling i felt in my dream...i believe that someday -  when i've told my stories and fought the fights i need to fight and learned the lessons i still need to learn - i'll reach a point where i won't resist it. i hope that a lifetime of Godchasing will have made the unknown a little closer to known. and i'll just...go.

and the most affirming, comforting moment in my life thus far?
in my trippy little vicodin dream, as sun splashed into the ocean and i felt the rush of a million birds flying at me (i told you it would take a whole separate post to explain...) and the world disintegrated around me, pulling me into death, the only thought in my dream-dying mind was this:

"i'll see you soon, Jesus".

and i think i can spend the rest of my time here on earth sprinting toward that same steady thought.

so thanks, vicodin.

schmancy 2.0

ok, 1st makeover was not such a hit.

what do we think of this one?

well, readers, i've got good news and bad news.

bad news first, always:
the agent 'passed' on representing me. wrote me a raving review but says his client load is full and he can't take on anyone new (especially a baby author like me). sad day. he was sure to let me know i am very publishable and that he loved my manuscript, so that softened the blow. so did the massive amounts of chocolate chip ice cream and dino nuggets i ate afterward.

good news:
now is my chance to cash in on all of those "ins" you have all been offering me these past months. for everyone whose brother's friend's roommate works at an agency or whose next door neighbor's dog walker works at Zondervan... hit me with it. we are back to square one...but in a good way. we are staying positive. we are exploring our options.

we are sick to death of dino nuggets.

genie.

i used to need a tiny God.

and when i say that, i think of the cheesy John the Baptist snowglobe (well, technically it was a water-globe) that we had in our living room. Jesus and JTB were inside and when you shook it, the artificially blue water sloshed down, "baptizing" them. wahoo.

i used to need a God who would fit in a delicate glass globe amongst my mom's victorian hat boxes.

when i thought about the real God, i pictured Genie from Disney's Alladin: He could be everywhere at once, he could stretch out to fit the sky, he could multiply and race around the globe,  he could melt down and fill the ocean, he could grow big and bounce the earth like a ping pong ball. He was this giant, uncontainable presence that scared the crap out of me.

so i wanted him to be small. tiny. my-size-barbie-esque.
i liked when God was described as "here beside me" or "my best friend" "my confidant". i liked the stuff about Him being a part of my daily life and caring that my guinea pig died (rest in peace, Zippy) and helping me finish my math homework. i liked the cozy side of God. all of the other stuff - the stuff about Him ruling the earth and reigning in power and majesty and commanding the waves and overseeing history - that was all just much too much. it made Him feel distant and terrifying - not in a bad way but more in a strange, unfamiliar way.

i've been reading through Psalms lately.
and i used to think of Psalms as kind of a bipolar teenage diary. one second it's all "God, where are you -  my life sucks" and the next, it's "God is so good! praise Him forever!". and of course, we can all relate to both. but since i have been reading through it front to back, i am seeing two consistent themes. the first is honesty. these people tell God EXACTLY how they feel and in the end, realize who they're talking to - which is why i think so many of them take a bizarre turn toward praisetown. which brings me to the next thing i am seeing. the most consistent message i keep getting smacked with in Psalms is this: God reigns. the Lord reigns. He is above it all. so many of the Psalms focus on His power and majesty and...bigness.

and the little kid inside of me wants to shrink away from this. wants to shove that tricksy Genie back into the waterglobe. but at this point in my life, when i'm standing on the edge of the real world and realizing just how enormous it really is, a big God doesn't seem so scary anymore. on the contrary, it feels like quite a comfort. to see the job market as this vast, bustling landscape and then to imagine Him stretched out over it. large and in charge. to see my future rolling out like a not-so-red carpet with a million multiplied Genies lining either side. to know that as bipolar as i may feel day in and day out, and as big and tangled and complicated this adult life may get, HE REIGNS. bottom line is, at the end of the day, no matter what life throws at me, He is bigger.

and i don't say that as a chirpy, saccharine Christiany answer to any problem. like the Psalmists, i know there will be times when i'll pull a line from a Mel Gibson movie, shake my little fist at the sky and say "this sucks!" but to know that He is bigger than the suckiness is a tiny comfort in and of itself.