Thursday, February 21, 2013 0 comments

HEATHER.

Aloha from Hawaii, readers! As I have been sunning myself, learning Pidgin and generally doing my best to be mistaken for a local, my friend Heather has been working hard on this blog post. So far, the locals are calling me 'hapa', which means half. So, as I continue to pursue my vacation goal, I leave you in the hands of sweet Heather.

I asked Heather to guest post because I thought this blog could use a punch of honesty. I try hard to make you laugh and make you think and sometimes I wonder if I am taking too many creative liberties and scraping off bits of truth in the process. It's hard to put yourself out there, naked and vulnerable in the blogosphere, without coming across as whiny or pleading. Heather manages to do so with such grace and positivity that I am left humbled and inspired. Her lovely writing style and open heart make her blog, My Little Bird, such a joy to read. 

Heather and I are the same age and yet she seems to have journeyed so much further, tackling motherhood and all of its challenges over at http://lettingyoufly.blogspot.com/ . Make sure to follow her and leave comments here if you like what you see. Take it away, Mama Bird :)

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I love how there are some pieces of literature or artwork that resonate with us differently at different times in our lives-- we may read a book three times and relate to a different character each time we take a pass through the pages. Or you might listen to a song a hundred times, and on that hundred and first time you hear a chord or a lyric that strikes something deep within you that you hadn’t felt the other times you listened. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been drawn to Psalm 139 as my ‘favorite psalm.’ And at different seasons in my life, God has highlighted certain verses for me that all of a sudden mean something new or challenge me in new ways.

Right now, I’m thinking a lot about verses 13-17:



For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
I was born with the strong desire to have a plan. I’m not exactly talking about a nebulous idea of where I’m heading; I mean a clear, distinct path towards the future and the direction I’d like to head. I take great pride in the fact that if I work really hard at A, B, and C, one day I will most likely arrive at my destination of Z. I’ve always been like this—it is ingrained deeply in the fibers of my being. I make to-do lists for my to-do lists and thrive with schedules and dreams to work towards. As much as I wish I could live freely and spontaneously, I am uncomfortable when things go awry and immediately come up with a new plan to get back on track.

I don’t think God minds this desire of mine to know what my day will look like or to have big dreams—in fact I fully believe it was part of my inmost being that He knit together, and He delights in the work He created in me.

However, I know He also is not pleased when my desire to have a clear, detailed plan becomes a clinging to clarity and control—it shows that I lack trust in Him and the plans He has for me.

My plans for my life started to go off track for the first time when I moved to New York City after college to pursue a career in professional theatre. I didn’t last there four whole months. The city made me claustrophobic, I lacked community and felt incredibly alone, and I lost confidence in myself as an artist. Almost more than the disappointment I thought others would see and the failure I innately felt in myself, the most overwhelming feeling for me was my fear in a lack of certainty/control/a plan for my future (since this was in fact my plan since I was about 12 years old). I was broke (financially, and my spirit was crushed), so I decided to move home for a few months to get back on my feet without any sense of a plan.

In that season of non-planning, God started re-directing my life. I got to work as a theatre teacher for a local community arts organization. I found an incredible job in higher education and moved in with my best friend Sarah in Boston. I had the opportunity to act in an original musical that ended up winning several Boston-area awards. And perhaps most beautifully, I was reconnected with and fell in love with the man I believe God made for me all along. It took MY plan getting a little bit shattered for me to look to the Lord for where to go next.

The place He’s ultimately led me (and my husband) for right now is living on a farm in Virginia with our sweet little boy, Emmett (who is almost 8 months old!). Becoming a mama has perhaps been the most challenging in my journey towards trust and giving up control thus far. It’s been so good for me to let go and stop obsessing over knowing what tomorrow holds, because living my life according to the needs of a child forces me to give up my plans and schedule and CONTROL on a daily, even hourly basis.
By not being focused on my own grand life plans, I’m learning to be more present in the day-to-day (something I’ve never been good at). I’m enjoying those simple and small joys like taking time to prepare meals (not just eating on the run), and actually tasting the goodness of the food in front of me. Small joys like cups of hot coffee in the morning for my weary mama soul while Emmett plays and I get to watch the sun rise out the window. Little things like phone calls with loved ones, dates with my husband, walking through the galleries at the art museum where my husband works and showing my little one the shapes and colors in my favorite pieces. Instead of wishing Emmett was more mobile/talking/in school and thinking about where we’re headed next, I’m trying to soak in our cuddles, his delight in discovering small things, his hard laughter when my husband tickles him, our beautiful long walks on the farm in the afternoon light, and watching the people around me melt and find joy in him too. I’m keeping track of these joys in notes around the house, journals and on my blog—but it’s in these little things that I’m seeing God’s goodness right now in ways I may never have noticed if I’d been so focused on my own grand schemes and plans.

Instead of dreaming about being an actress, God is molding my heart towards arts education, starting a small creative home business (an Etsy shop in the next few months!), and growing in my creative writing. These are all things that have laid under the surface for a while and desires I believe God wanted me to see from the beginning, but my own plans always got in the way. He is teaching me to have grace in my ‘failures,’ and know that He even uses those to grow me and explore who I am and where He’s taking me and my family on this new journey.

I definitely don’t have it right yet, but I think I’m finally starting to lean into that lesson of trusting God with my journey. I hope that I can continue to grow in that deepness of trust and continue to open my hands up and offer him my dreams (big and small) and find clarity in the fact that He is ultimately in control and I don’t have to be.
Thursday, February 14, 2013 0 comments

LINDSAY.

Dear Readers - it is me, your fearless Writer. Today, I abdicate my throne of blogship and hand control over to my dear friend Lindsay. By the time you read this, I will probably be flying somewhere over your head, on my way to a much needed vacation. 

I am leave you in very dry, very capable hands.

Let's get aquainted.

Lindsay is my southern sister. She has dry hands, long eyelashes and a huge heart. She owns a massive collection of scarves and faints easily, much like a goat. She works with teenage girls for a living and I hope she continues to do so until I have a teenage daughter to hand over to her because, wow, does she love these girls. She teaches them to be passionate and intentional and bold, simply by being herself. As they're at an age where girls often fumble for identity, she takes her students by their faces and looks them in their eyes and tells them YOU ARE BELOVED. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE.

I love the way that Lindsay writes, because it reminds me of the way she lives and talks: with obvious - often hilarious - intensity. She is the fastest talker (and rapper) I know and her sentences often leapfrog, because she is so excited to get them out. Her intensity makes its way into her discipline, which is where she teaches me the most. This girl is hardcore and I'm so excited to unleash her upon you.

Lindsay blogs over at http://www.singingmysongwithgrace.blogspot.com/ so if you like what you see, head over there and follow her too. I promise it will be worthwhile.

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hello readers!

i am the biggest fan of marri's. this is such a treat for me to write on her blog, to be a part of her story, to partner in her journey. you have no idea, this is such a gift for me to virtually be here.
so since i'm here, let's be honest with each other. i'm an honest writer, words are how my soul breathes, so let's just dive right in.
i'm having a really hard time writing this.
i look back over my recent journey, over the last 3/4ths of 2012 and ponder and wonder and literally stand, mouth agape, at my life and at where He's led me. i couldn't begin to describe the heartache but the joy, the confusion but the peace, the uncertainty but the knowing God is God.
and since i can't untangle and process through all of what God is doing with this part of my journey because it's not done yet, can i share someone else's journey? one of my favorite journeys, the journey of Jacob? would you so terribly mind that? (terribly mind? who am i, downton abbey?)

i've always been confused by jacob. he's a biblical character i haven't always understood. i think he's greedy and sneaky and selfish and prideful and his story is weird, isn't it? but then. that's who God loves to use. jacob always seemed like a wild card who didn't fit anybody's mold, a troublemaker that God was pursuing like crazy.
so in the story of jacob, he steals his brother esau's blessing and runs off to work seven years to marry rachel and has a dream about ladders to heaven. then he has lots of kids and becomes wealthy, runs away from his father in law, and then he finds out that his brother is after him. and he's afraid. he's distressed.
and so jacob is left alone in his camp and a man comes in the night and wrestles with him. and he keeps wrestling with jacob and jacob won't let go. the man touches his hip and jacob's hip is put out of joint, but jacob keeps wrestling through the pain. the man says, let me go! the day is coming. and jacob says NO. I WILL NOT LET GO UNTIL YOU BLESS ME. (i always gasp at this point in the story - the audacity!).
but then the man responds by asking him what his name is. "i'm jacob," he says. and the man says, "your name is no longer jacob, but ISRAEL, for you have striven with God and man and have prevailed." and then jacob is blessed by God. and jacob says, "i have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered."

i've been so intrigued by this exchange lately, this leg of jacob's journey. he wrestles, he doesn't let go, he's given a NEW name, he's blessed. i fear that if this had been me and if the man (God) had said let me go, i would have dropped the fight immediately. but he kept going. ann voskamp writes in her book "one thousand gifts" - "wrestle with God and beg to see the blessings."

and i think that's my biggest takeaway from crazy jacob. we can approach God and we can be real and we can say no! help me! blessings!? and we can cry out loudly. because we can believe that. He promises to be a God who not only hears our cries, but delivers and restores. i think this exchange can mean a lot of things. it means we can believe that God is a God who gives us blessings. and it's God that's in every wrestling - even and especially with people - and where there's God, there's good. how we respond to people is how we respond to the Lord.

we've striven with God. not against, but with. we're wrestling with God to find the 'what for, for what' of the brokenness we face. we're made new, given new names, and we're made more in the reflection of Jesus.

and the story continues. the next day, jacob meets his brother esau. esau runs up to jacob and embraces him and kisses him and they weep together. and in their exchange, jacob remarks, "God has dealt graciously with me." isn't that so good? the wrestling is grace.

so keep going. keep going. keep going. keep wrestling, keep fighting, keep honestly, boldly coming before God each and every day. He's not a friend who will gossip about what you've said, He's not someone you have to explain how you're feeling, He's not neutral about your existence. He loves you with a fiercely passionate love and He's good, He's really, really good. And it's your journey, your story - He's perfectly ordained it. He's gone before, He's right beside you, and He hems you in as you go.

blessed journey! may you wrestle and see all the many blessings of yours.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 0 comments

bird by bird.

Anyone else out there reeeaally, really struggle with balance?
(Not physical balance, although those of you who have seen me attempt to board an escalator may beg to differ.)
I'm talking about balance in life. I feel like I never quite get it right - I'm always at one extreme or the other. I push myself way too hard, or I'm overrun with apathy. I floss my gums to shreds or I neglect them altogether. I sleep for 3 hours or 13 hours. I am a person of wild extremes and while there is something to be said for giving myself grace and accepting my uniqueness, there is a time to put that aside and strive for moderation.

This is especially hard for me in terms of accomplishment, the expectations I paint over my life.

I've been talking about adventure a lot lately, but I was really inspired by my brother. He recently moved to L.A. to pursue a career in films. He has been there for a little over 3 months and is mind-boggled that he has not made his big break yet. And when he calls me, frustrated and I laugh indulgently and give him Yoda pep talks (Silly Ryan, some time you must give it!), I start to realize how hypocritical I sound. My poor brother and I were born with a potent combination of Asian overachievement and Irish stubbornness. So, not only do we think,
 "I should accomplish everything, with perfection, as soon as humanly possible or forever shame my ancestors and bring dishonor upon my family",
but we follow it with
"I CAN AND WILL DO EVERYTHING AND NOTHING YOU SAY CAN DISSUADE ME, YE ARSE."
I know, I know - it's a really stupid way to live. It's exhausting and disappointing and extremely frustrating. And the hilarious reality is that we bring it upon ourselves. No one else it putting these expectations on us, no one else is pushing us this hard, no one else really cares about our goals and deadlines but ourselves.

So I write this as much for the Ryans of the world as I do for my backwards self:
No one really cares.
No one really cares!
Yes, it is important to have goals and aspirations. Yes, it is important to work hard. Yes, we were given gifts to use them and fear should never hold us back. But for goodness' sake, let's be honest:  no one really cares that I already bombed my New Years resolution and missed a week of blogging. No one cares that Ryan hasn't landed a gig yet. No one cares that I didn't get published on my first try.

Because, as wise old Dr. Seuss said: the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. The people who would be small and cruel and petty enough to criticize our accomplishments or lack thereof should not be given space in our heads. And the people who love us weep when we weep, laugh when we laugh and ultimately care about the state of our hearts. And they would remind us to remind our Asian-Irish hearts that we are not human doings, not human havings or strivings or accomplishings or winnings. We are human beings, beloved in that simple fact.

So, to the Ryans and Marris of the world and to my overachieving, stubborn old soul...hear this freedom:

You are not your film career.
You are not your book writing.
You are not your red hair or your brown hair.
You are not your freckles or your big head.
You are not your marriage.
You are not your singlehood.
You are not your adventure.
You are a human being and you are Beloved by a Good Shepherd who wastes nothing and in THAT your identity should rest.

It's so easy to jump to an extreme. To either shut down and decide not to care or to spiral out of control with plans and schemes and worries. But there has to be a balance, rooted in the truth of Belovedness.

When I was writing the Werewolf Jesus book, I had about a week to go until my deadline and I was nowhere close to my word count goal. I was in panic-mode, devouring Smartfood and popping headstands to increase bloodflow to my brain. I got a text from a friend, a writer that I so admire and it just said "bird by bird, Marri."
Bird by bird.
Fans of Anne Lamott will understand this, but for the rest of you, it basically means "baby steps." Something that I need to be reminded of nearly every day. It would never occur to me to take baby steps, to bite of only what I can chew, to set realistic goals. And, as I've said, it's ok that I am who I am. It's ok to be my unrealistically ambitious self. But at the root of most of my extremes is Fear, and that's what has no place in a life of freedom.

Fear says "Sure, God says He will provide for you, but just in case - you should make sure you obsess over the finances."
It sits on my shoulder and whispers "He says He is good, but what if His big, sovereign plan is to dangle authorship in front of you for the rest of your life, until you're old and full of regret? Maybe you should give up and eat some Easy Mac."

And the comforting thing is that His Love - that will not betray, dismay or enslave- sets us free from this polarizing Fear by offering balance. He tells us it's ok to live Bird by Bird. That the wonderful combination of our free will and His plan is that if we trust Him for the big picture, we can live in freedom and balance with the day by day. When all I can really control are my actions for this day, well, it really narrows my scope of worry. When all that matters is that I'm Beloved, well, I don't feel overwhelmed by expectation.

I set out to write a much different post, but sometimes I guess you need to set yourself straight. Someone please email me my own words in approximately 18 days.
I should have fully forgotten them by then and will be in full panic mode that I am 25 and have yet to conquer the world.

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